Mr Draculamp and the Broken Wand

It was half past one in the afternoon when Ron and Elaine struggled into Glass Fairy Towers. They steered the heavy bag full of books, pyjamas, lap-top computer, slippers and other paraphernalia for a hospital stay into the lift and up to the fourteenth floor. They had gone to see Mr Draculamp the Magician who was going to turn Ron into a vampire. As they stepped out onto the 14th floor the view across Giant City was astonishing.

"Look Elaine", called Ron, "I can see the Horses of Parlomint .... and the Brushes Museum .... and look, there's Raver's Park!"

At every point of the compass Ron could see places he knew from his younger days. Looking down on Giant City they could see people, vehicles, tree and parks, buildings, shops and stations. In the distance were the TV and Radio masts at Cristile Palace and Alestandra Palace. A line of heavy flying machines could be seen heading for Headrow.

"Hello, you don't remember me, do you?" said a little, blue-robed pixie. It was Anna the Pixie Nurse, one of Mr Draculamp's special helper's. She had just returned from kayaking a tent round lakes in Sweden. Anna took Ron and Elaine to a lovely room with a spanking view and took a little time to explain about life as a vampire. It didn't sound as though it was going to be as bad as Ron and Elaine had expected. For instance, the lid on the coffin didn't have to be put on completely; some people described the injection of vampire juice as 'painful' but others only said it was 'uncomfortable'; it was quite possible to drive at night after an injection without having to worry about the effects of headlamps on cars coming towards you. Well that made everything so much better, didn't it?

"OK", said Anna the Pixie Nurse, "why don't you unpack your things and then someone will come and start the ball rolling."

Ron and Elaine started to unpack. Out came the breathing machine to stop Ron snoring; out came the laptop computer for watching DVDs on; out came the books to stop Ron getting bored in the semi dark; out came the clothes; out came the light-proof balaclava and the gloves; out came the wash-bag and everything was put away neatly and tidily. Ron and Elaine waited, and waited, and waited, and waited.

At last, after so many centuries of waiting that the Giant City had started to crumble and was being invaded by forest; that Ron and Elaine had been buried under spiders webs; that the heavy flying machines no longer caused any pollution or noise, Little Fee arrived. Little Fee was studying a course on how to avoid upsetting patients when giving them bad news.

"May I have a look at your mouth?" asked Little Fee. Ron consented and Little Fee had a good look inside at the tumour, at the soreness, at the ulcers and the teeth which pointed in the wrong direction.

"I see, I see, I see", said Little Fee. "Now, we're going to have to reassess your treatment."
"I'm sorry?" said Ron.
"I'm sorry?" said Elaine.
"You see," said Little Fee, "the cancer has spread into two of the lymph glands under your jaw. This means that we will have to reassess your treatment," and off she went to collect Nick the Master Butcher.

"Now," said Nick the Master Butcher, "do you want to get well? Do you want me to cure you? Because if you do this is how I'll do it." And then Nick went on about thigh flaps, treatment modalities, dental extractions, micro-vascular reconnections, radical neck dissection, lip splits and lots and lots of other interesting things.

"But what about Mr Draclulamp's magic vampire juice?" asked Ron.
"Oh no, you're too ill for that!" said Little Fee.
"Oh no, you're too ill for that!" said Anna the Pixie Nurse.
"Oh no, you're too ill for that!" said Nick the Master Butcher. "That's only for people who are superficially ill. You'll be much better off letting me cure you. Nobody knows WHAT will happen if we start mixing treatments. Nobody has done THAT kind of magic before."

"But Mr Draculamp said HE could cure me!" said Ron. "He said his magic vampire juice and his magic laser wand would kill the tumour and make it go away."
"Ah, but he didn't know about the lymph glands," said Little Fee.
"Ah, but he didn't know about the lymph glands," said Anna the Pixie Nurse.
"Ah, but he didn't know about the lymph glands," said Nick the Master Butcher, "and THAT changes everything. Now Mr Draculamp COULD treat your tumour with his vampire juice and magic wand and then turn you over to me to do a modified, radical neck dissection ... but we don't know how it will work as no-one has done this before; we don't know what might go wrong as no-one has done this before; we don't know how to time it as no-one has done this before; we don't how to be sure we'll get it right as no-one has done this before."

"Oh shit!" said Ron.
"Oh double shit!!" said Elaine, "What does Mr Draculamp say?"

"Mr Draculamp is abroad in Earlupe today," said Anna the Pixie Nurse.
"Mr Draculamp is abroad in Earlupe today at a conference," said Little Fee.
"Mr Draculamp is abroad in Earlupe today," said Nick the Master Butcher, "but he will be here on Monday. Now nothing is going to change before then. Indeed, if you agree to let me make you better we can't do anything before August 28th as I have to go away on holiday."

Ron and Elaine had a miserable weekend trying to be happy. Then on Monday morning they caught the subterranean railway propulsion vehicle and travelled again to Giant City to visit Glass Fairy Towers. They were there good and early and so was Mr Draculamp.

"Hello," said Mr Draculamp.
"Hello," said Ron.
Elaine gave Mr Draculamp one of those looks that kill at thirty paces but as he was a magician it had no effect.
"I expect you're really upset," said Mr Draculamp.

Then Mr Draculamp went on to explain that he thought he COULD still cure the tumour with vampire juice and his magic wand BUT no-one had any experience of mixing treatment methods so it was risky. He said that if it was him he MIGHT go that route, but he was a risk-taker; if it was Mrs Draculamp he would tell her to take the surgery without hesitation.

Ron asked him, "Will you still use the vampire juice on me?"
"Only if you twist my arm off," said Mr Draculamp.

"We need a cup of tea," said Elaine. "Come on let's go."

So Ron and Elaine went down to the 'Really Expensive Cafeteria' for a cup of tea and a bun. They didn't need to talk very much as they both felt there wasn't really a choice and anyway all their blackouts had been taken down by the Helpful Neighbours when it seemed as though the magic wand would not work.

So sadly the next day they trekked back to Worcester and went to see the Worcester Butcher who said, "I thought I'd see you again. Don't worry, we're just as good as those Butchers in Giant City and we can make you better as well, can you come next Monday?"

And the moral of this story? - If things seem too good to be true, they probably are.