The Gods are Laughing

"When we talk of tomorrow the Gods laugh".

I had the pathology results from my operation on Tuesday. They could hardly have been worse. There was a cancer. It was not a thyroid cancer but a secondary tumour from the cancer I had last year. As such it cannot be treated by radio-active iodine and I've had all the radio-therapy my body can take. The pathology examination indicated that the surgeon was not able to remove all the cancer and had to leave some behind rather than cut a hole in my throat. The only further treatment is more radical surgery to my throat larynx and pharynx. I was referred on to the Q.E. hospital in Birmingham where such surgery would be done. Elaine and I went up on Friday morning. We had a full description of the surgery as well as further information about the likelihood of success. The surgeon was not encouraging. One is left with an artificial larynx which can only be used when you are not breathing. You breathe through a hole in the neck rather than through mouth or nose and it is only possible to eat a soft diet. As this is a secondary cancer the chance of successfully removing all the cancer drops to less than 25%. On top of that it seems that the majority of people who actually have this surgery regret it eventually.

We were sent away to think about it but so far it hasn’t needed very much thinking about. We both agree that it doesn’t sound worth it. Perhaps if there was some guarantee of success it might be worth contemplating but with so little likelihood of a recovery why would I want to be so incapacitated?

So what comes next? There is a chance of some palliative chemo-therapy which should slow down the development of the cancer and give me a bit more time (is it too much to hope that some new cure might come along in the meantime?). Other than that it’s on to alternative therapies and quacks. There is a doctor in Bristol who can do a DNA array blood test to see what type of cancer is present. The blood can also be tested to see how the cancer reacts to various chemo-therapy agents. I’m told there is no chemo-therapy agent that will touch head and neck cancer so this may be a wild goose chase. It’s also possible that if something does appear to work it may not be available on the NHS – where have you heard that before?

I’m told I could have anything between 9 months and 4 years but that everyone and every cancer is different. We’ll see, but 4 years is definitely optimistic. For the first time since this all began I've felt depressed and morose. I had felt confident that my treatment would be effective and that I'd be able to look forward to a recovery. The discovery that this isn't the case has been a bit of a body blow. I've tried to keep busy and occupied but keeping thoughts of mortality out of my mind is hard. I know that some folks with awful illnesses that lead to a long terminal decline must go through this for years and years so I hope that when I've got more familiar with my situation I'll be able to do what everybody recommends - live each day to the full, enjoy as much as possible, plan something for every day and so on. Yesterday we went to see the Miracle Theatre Company at the No 8 Arts Centre in Pershore. They were performing 'Taming of the Shrew' under the Shindig flag. It was amazing. It was a mixture of original and modern interpretation. The set was a simple collection of stacked blocks which were in turn a university, a town house, a mountain top, a gym, a tailors shop, an urban park and so on. There were only five performers and so the editing of the script and characters was quite liberal but as entertainment it was great, apart from those times when my mind went back to thoughts of my own mortality. Unfortunately I don't think they are doing any other local performances but should you get the chance do go and see them.

Both Elaine and I are so grateful for your expressions of hope, support and love and want to thank you all for everything you have all said and done so far. It’s meant a huge amount to us. I hope that at some point I may have some better news for you – but don’t count on it.
It seems to me that the NHS have almost counted me out for now. I have no future appointments arranged and we are having to contact the hospital to tell them what we want. However there are alternative treatments out there and some sound hopeful if not for a cure then at least for controlling the cancer and extending life. The trouble is that some are made to sound so effective and cheap (intravenous vitamin C for example) one wonders why anybody is dieing from cancer at all. We'll be investigating some of these therapies and hopefully benefiting from the appropriate ones.

I don’t know whether to continue this blog – nobody wants a continuing series of depressingly bad news. But then, if there is good news to report, that could be worth a posting. It was only two days ago that we saw the surgeon and got the bad news. I hope I’ll feel happier and more settled in a few days. In the meantime, if you phone, expect to hear someone who sounds very little like I used to. I have asked for speech therapy but nothing has been arranged yet. We're also hoping for some couselling and an appointment with the Dalek to discuss palliative care (he's also in charge of poisoning) so there are some ways to go.

We'll that's the latest news. I regret it's not better - but I'm not gone yet!